11_23_24

Started work on Thursday and i'm already getting tired. Part time is gonna suck financially but from an energy standpoint? It kinda fucks. I work 8.5 hour shifts from Monday-Wednesday next week, then Friday's only 5 hours, and that's it, and i'm gonna have plenty of time to take acid with my love. Other weeks will probably have less hours, as this reaches my job's max for pt-ers.

11_20_24

My hands smell like weed after cleaning my partner's pipe. Well, starting to clean. It's old and fucked and is a two day project now. Went to Seattle's only free art museum, Frye, for a meditation session. There was some great stuff there, but the guards always honestly made me uneasy. There weren't a lot of people there, and really it's not that they were guards or guides but that they were people. I keep getting skittish about being perceived; since there weren't a lot of people there, i was the only one they could watch in some rooms. When there were other people, i felt uncomfortable that they'd look at me anyway. The point is too be focused on art, but people are both interesting (voyuer) and vain (exhibitionist), and i'm a miserable purveyor of both camps. The meditation session was a little over half an hour and the atmosphere was pretty awesome. I couldn't focus for shit, but sometimes i did, and i got pretty gay and sappy about it. I'm drained as hell, i haven't been taking t consistently enough and, as my partner puts it, "the gods are smiting [me]" and i'm bleeding with cramps again.

11_17_24

RE-E-VAL-U-ATE! Why do i like things? Why do i do things, and why do i not do things?

11_14_24

That DOGE shit... also, i'm kind of recovering from some triggers on the 12th, mentioned on the 13th. I have rearranged some belongings in my room in order to incentivise myself to get a candle & to treat the flower scraps i have from making Judith a birthday bouquet modeled after Westerlund 2 well. The roses are blooming. Yeah, it'll be gone soon. Oh well. I reconnected with old hobbies and desires, meaning i might revisit Kenan Underground... i need a therapist, independence, and the ability to be in the present. The love and compassion i feel for better is stronger than i give myself credit for, it's just hard to believe

11_13_24

The shame-like-bile i feel with certain emotions persists persists persists persists persists persists persists persists

11_7_24

Lots to do. Name change, gender marker change which i didn't want to do because i don't pass either way but it'll overall be a safer bet to go with what i pass as about 70% of the time. The stats change whether or not i talk. My voice, though i can't hear it unless i listen to an audio recording, has changed a lot. If i don't talk, i pass about 50-60% of the time. Once i talk, ma'ams turn into something more masculine, not guaranteed to be sir. Mom was the first to push the change, my partner followed the next day without a prompt. Top surgery, i have the money for it now. Still terrified and shocked about how that happened. Utterly broke otherwise, job starting soon. PrEP. Birth control. Passport. Shooting ranges. At least one practical skill. Jiu-jitsu, gonna look into boxing later.
Came out to the dining room because Cream was wailing (death via lack of attention) and after she audibly snapped at me began purring without being touched. I pet her a bit before getting my computer, incensing my room, and returned to her still purring. What a gal.
Also, Judith has been obsessed with this book series called Dungeon Crawler Carl, and now i'm on her kindle account reading thru them. The next one comes out on their birthday next week, so i'm on a semi-serious time crunch. It's honestly really, really, really fucking fun. Trying to get my roommates into it. It's deeply absurd, a combination of at least 6,000 pop-culture pieces, but through all the insanity of the dungeon and show and etc, death, morality, conviction, revolution, etc., all of it is taken very, very seriously [by our narrator, Carl]. It's incredible

11_5_24

Went to my partner's apt (apartment or advanced persistent threat or suitable in circumstances or tendency to do-) after turning in my ballot n accompanied them to turn in theirs. Took a bus halfwayish back and walked the rest. They'd already smoked an "election day cigarette" but we shared another before i hopped on a'nother bus to my place that she'd flagged down, as it wasn't even supposed to stop there anymore, city got rid of it... before this cigarette she fed me pasta w lamb & brussel sprouts. I have another fag in my pocket. Looking at what black clothes i own, waiting. Dunno when i'll go to bed. Mom is on the opposite end of the country texting me about her devastation in how the election's going, speculating how she missed so much despite going through legitimate effort to not be in such an echochamber. It's so odd to think we literally have grown up together and still are today. She's had massive growth periods since 2021 especially, but when i was a kid she'd be the one to say we grew up together and i'd just shrug, not really taking it in. It's not that we grew up together, at least not recently, as we've only been further apart, but we grow up "alongside" each other via familial relation. Dunno.

11_3_24

I have a problem of not spending time in the present and no longer being familiar with myself. Everything has been external, or everything internal has only been cared for by me if related to external, i.e. relationships, other people in general, looks, etc. I've been feeling miserably, nauseatingly insecure for a couple of weeks and it's messed with me bad. I realized i have not been familiar with myself, i have not been paying attention to myself unless it was in direct relation to others, to perception, to not whatever me is, to my self with no strings. I am estranged from myself and badly so. The only way i can really redeem my insecurities is to get familiar with myself, which i say rather than like... "return" to myself or something, because that would just lead me to isolation again. Oy. Devastating blows. Everything takes time. I wanna be secure

10_28_24

I appreciate that it's called "taking" a photograph because it always does feel like stealing

10_22_24

Saw POiSON GiRL FRiEND last night and they were lovely. Spent money i barely have on a t-shirt, dropped it by accident while walking thru downtown on call w Judith because my hands got really cold and i forgot to pay attention to them and they let go of the shirt, walked the route i took back and found it hanging on a railing! Someone had put it there! It was really nice and i said a vulgar thank you aloud which i was promptly warned against doing downtown around 10:45pm unless i was willing to follow up. Observed a young man recording Noriko Sekiguchi's shadow in the projected b&w b-roll as she sang rather than her, found that interesting. There were a lot of stylish people there. Saw someone who got a TRANSSEXUAL patch i have, same creator who runs around Seattle and Olympia, but got stupid nervous as i talked to them and turned tail to all but run out of the venue. I also sprinted there through unusually heavy rain and was soaked well before the show started. Lots of embarrassing things. Time spent in the world...
Right now i'm doing the same thing i was on september 16th. I've been stressed

10_11_24

Been on high nerves forever, but i think moving out here may have helped me not be resistant to anti depressants so i think once i get health care and another job i should try again. Spent the past few hours cleaning my room and our kitchen, swept the dining room and a bathroom. I wonder what my "own rhythms" are. Tired. Went to another play party last weekend and it was fine. There's one next weekend i want to go to but i might be done for the month, we'll see.

10_1_24

Went to a play party for the first time on Saturday. It was fascinating and decently easy to talk to people. I had to reckon with for the nth time that, man, i really am demisexual. I was surrounded by people i found attractive doing attractive things but even after a total of five social hours, more specifically talking for an hour and a half with this one fem in their 30s and then another fortyish minutes grinding together i felt nothing, no horniness, no sign of a libido anywhere except for like three twitches that lasted no longer than half a second. I know i'm demisexual because this can happen and then my partner can make a mildly horny joke and i'm wet before the hat even hits the ground. Is this too much information? Likely. Am i bothered? No, this is sexual exploration and explanation. But, come on! I felt great and hot and energized at the party (i was wearing this) and all, but afterwards the disappointment of my own sexual process hit. Whatever. It was my first time anyway, so pretty much everything was analysis, even/especially when i played with that person for a little. God, i was so distracted. They said they could tell but thought of when i was "in" as a soothing cup of green tea. Told my partner this and they said they could see that.

9_16_24

Day was low until i sat on couch in sunlight with roommate's cat. Refreshed and feeling loved

9_15_24

I need to be by moving water more often. I think it contributed to a sensitivity in me today that i don't really appreciate, but being there was good. I followed Judith through Magnuson and watched her squawk at and rip out huge scotch brooms, her sworn enemy. Applied to two jobs today. One hurt- it's a library gig i really want, but it's only 16-20 hours a week. Even if i lived on as little as possible, i wouldn't be able to afford said living- i'd need a second job. I don't want to have to do that, but that's what it's looking like... pt unemployment also does exist. Waited til she left to light a tobacco and leather candle. There's a lake closer to me than Magnuson, i think i'll walk there more often... once a week at least...
"I have stolen a memory by recording light"

9_10_24

Supervisor of my boss(?) lured a gaggle of us out of our break hall for a union rally. It affirmed my desire to get a full-time job at the university- did you know there's at least three unions running around campus? I still can't afford to attend and don't have enough ducks in a row to apply, but i'm trying to fix that soon. Work until then. I chanted and watched awed as a stone-faced student journalist walked around with a dlsr and a notepad. Most of the time we couldn't hear what the presenters were saying... Odessa, a young woman and student i met when i first joined as a housekeeper, has a gnarly yell though. Genuinely something between a bark, growl, the perfect "YEAH!" you could possibly imagine for something heated. We're two of the only housekeepers left under 30, everyone else left early to get a break before school starts. Only once we entered the admin building did i feel true tension. The supervisor in question wondered aloud how getting caught (a few times, different rallies) on camera chanting at these could effect her career, but realistically i think she knows the effect here is virtually none, as that concern certainly didn't dampen her energy. Part of the reason she brought me out is because the unions needed bodies in the red square (yup) and what do i as a housekeeper have to lose? My job ends on the 27th no matter what, after all.
Some people started leaving once union members made it upstairs to talk to said admin. Odessa and i snuck up half a flight and tried to listen in, it didn't really work. We stood there and waited it out entirely. The student journalist was very comfortable squeezing themself up against others. I know i made it into some of their shots, and looking back i took a photo of the crowd and they're staring dead into my phone's little lens. They had a cool haircut and were utterly unreadable to me so needless to say i'd love to make their acquaintance. Another guy who got the memo that's where an open window and fresh air was gave us stickers. I may have dinner with my partner tonight.

9_4_24

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Correction, or not correction but explanation: i have covid. It's a true cut-and-dry case with the racing heart and everything. I'll be fine. Bit of fear in terms of jobs, since my temporary position is over the third week of this month at the latest, and my paychecks already haven't been panning out well. I'll have to make more porn, is what i'm seeing. There's a job i'm trying to get at the library and if i get that i won't have to supplement my income much at all, if any... To pass time i'm doing a number of things, like playing Stardew Valley and cleaning out my tabs. Can art be meaningfully radical under neoliberalism? I hesitate to say yes, as the conditions must go beyond so much. Even anarchy is generic and marketable. You would not believe how many tabs i have open- no- how many windows i have open for when the pre-existing tab hoards become too much. I am nothing if not a fearful, deeply intimidated, distracted lover of information. I want to be devout

9_1_24

Next door neighbors are moving in, i didn't know the prior tenants. Cream (roommate's cat) kneaded and purred on my bed for a while this morning. Been tuning in to KNKX for days now. I work on labor day, i need the money

8_27_24

Well. life is beautiful and that doesn't change even when i'm anxious

8_16_24

I have been

Working, it's a seasonal housekeeper role, each weekday, each day i need to clock in at 7:23am, leave between 3:53-4pm. I'm working at the university i hope to attend next fall, 2025...
Dragging a book with me to work. Usually i don't get the energy to read outside of work, so i do a lot of thinking and annotating and asking questions there but forget so many of the bits once i put the book down... this is why i annotate so much, to make sure i can get some thoughts back. Many things have been helping me retain thoughts and get back on track with my philosophical/literary fascinations: Judith, Dyke Writer's Club where i'm the only trans man* and thank god there's a trans woman there, Autobiography of Red as it always does, and really anything that gets me reading helps me retain. I'm getting better, i'm leaving the two/three year long brain fog period where all my hobbies and loves fell to the wayside because i fell first
Waiting very impatiently for a desk chair to arrive. Said it did today but that's not true. Almost marched down .7 miles to a Goodwill to pick one up and walk those .7 miles back home with before convincing myself to chill out and just borrow a dining room chair. This means, yes, i did manage to get a desk... what a marvel. I think it's a good idea. I have goals, like getting down to a four day work week with 8-10 hour shifts at a job that starts at or after 9am, and then using one of the three days off to be to myself and cultivate a sense and practice of self-descipline and study so i'm prepared to go back to college full-time...

7_21_24

Been remembering things, getting knowledge and motivation back.

6_22_24

Last night she said "this whole meet-cute shit doesn't jive with my world view" and we laughed real well and she's quoted it a couple times since. Apt apt apt

5_31_24

My roommates are all moving in tomorrow.
I think my landlord has arrived to care for her raspberry bush. I want to shed everything, and what i can't shed i want to carve out; i would say with grace but i know it'd be violent. I can be stronger than this, and i'm trying to get there. I've already noticed myself looking for ways to run. I have a path i want, so badly, but it feels impossible (money, time). I'm trying to get it going anyway, in some way. I've tried before. I think i forgive myself for that.

5_28_24

Got sick again... been very low and kind of erratic... so much is stressful

5_20_24

Had a horrible night. Now, though, trying not to fixate on that.
I've been reading for a few months now about leather and bd/sm dynamics... and the desire and ache i feel for those with each sentence is disasterously overwhelming. Reading over Leathersex and hearing Joseph W. Bean reminiscence about what rituals were common absolutely guts me. They're still out there, absolutely, but i can't seem to reach any place they are. Once i turned 21 i'll probably start seeing it. Seriously though, it hurts. It rises like a surging tide violently tearing through my body. It's a study i really like, now, and frequently i'm reminded by The Disappearance of Rituals by Byung Chul-Han. Consentual power dynamics i love you. I need to be extremely careful about this, as previous experience tells me. I'm trying to take his advice and set up 'rituals' for myself, like the old trend of "earning leathers" rather than just getting them at a whim. Shit. "The power exchange is the entirely voluntary process by which a bottom relies on trust, first to express his will, then to relinquish it." All the trust, intimacy, forfeiture of control.........

5_19_24

Tired, starting to feel nauseous over not having a job. Got some incredible clothes today, though, met with someone at cal anderson and we talked a lot about sexual/social expectations and autism and both of us miss our dogs.
For a while i swore-ish i wouldn't make a book-oriented page because i already feel stress/anxiety at the prospect of reading... but i'm starting to read again, been really favoring doing so at our dining room table, and i want to remember what parts stood out enough to underline or comment on. It won't be exhaustive... i have an idea for formatting poetry annotations but that feels extremely challenging and upsetting (in the loss of handwritten scrawls), so prose'll be the focus.

5_15_24

Bedroom's cozy... read a bit of Here All Along...

5_11_24

KEXP is one of the strongest stations on my radio. I'm sleepy. Hung out with three of my roommates who wanted to move furniture in, a victorian couch, a cuck chair, some plastic dresser drawers, somethings else... on the couch is catgirl miku. quite the sight. Man. Mother's day is tomorrow, i won't be doing anything but i'd like to find someone to hang out with, go on a walk or something. I don't have particular angst on mother's day, it's just a kind of awkward day. It's a sunday but it's special in a way i can't really celebrate, mom being across the country, but that kind of comes across as angst to strangers. Trying very, very, very hard to not turn to dating apps to find friends. Lex is my one exception, we're keeping it that way

5_7_24

I now live in Seattle. I've been sick since Friday... I want to be out and about!

4_27_24

I often forget i am a whole person. There is more than just paralysis

4_6_24

Need to stop thinking about myself in how i relate to material things/what i own. This is difficult to do when alone

4_3_24

Man oh man

3_24_24

"What got you here won't get you there"

3_17_24

I can't stand writing when i haven't had time to read anything. That's how you get to write anything worth writing, especially anything as difficult as poetry

3_17_24

On Tuesday, March 12, my parents suddenly decided within 24 hours that they're gonna move a little out of town... at the exact same time i'm moving. Mom's always running away from something, evident best by the fact that before age 18 i'd lived in 11 homes with her and by 19 that number was up to 13. Ever since we fled Texas for California, then California for Florida, she's moved every 2-3.5 years. I am washing my hands of it.

I'm sitting outside to keep Sonny from barking at a stranger. I can hear our neighbors (also moving) splashing in the pool. I heard two birds in some beautiful unique song i hadn't heard before. Their voices are gone and it's back to the typical quips and squawks. One of them sounds like a tiny hawk imitation. I can hear water dripping from a fountain. Working on doing this week's m.a. prompt, and found a poem type i may want to try out for a prompt i missed. I'm reading up on diapause and now i need to read up on poetry.

3_8_24

Turned twenty yesterday... grateful i'm not a teenager anymore. I've been having a hard time keeping up with anything outside of work. Work's not interesting, i'm just far too tired, maybe

3_2_24

Got a neat sweater, started a push-up routine, Wednesday's the day between my grandpa and i's birthdays (March 5; March 7), so we're having dinner together. It's terrible how i can't hear my voice when i speak, hear how it's changed, but at least i can hear it in audio playback. Been struggling to write for m.a. because i keep coming to memories that i can't elaborate on because they can truly be a sentence, and the literary devices of those real times can be seen immediately, unique syntax outside of plain text often inhibiting the meaning... comparisons end

2_25_24

Sweet dog video

2_21_24

My serious transition timeline is t2b, twink to butch. Insane

2_11_24

Often when i find pictures of my bookcase i feel ashamed by how many spines (overwhelming majority) are uncracked. It's like John Beger said, talking about advertisements: "Its promise is not of pleasure, but of happiness: happines as judged from the outside by others." "Being envied is a solitary form of reassurance." "You are observed with interest by you do not observe with interest-" (that particularly reminds me of Donald Brook's Why I Fucking Hate Weblogs) "-if you do, you will become less enviable. In this respect the envied are like bureaucrats; the more impersonal they are, the greater the illusion (for themselves or for others) of their power." "The spectator-buyer is meant to envy herself as she will become if she buys the product."; this is all to say i promise myself something better and freer where i read, engage, learn, but that's for someone else, the Will of the future. Allen of the future. Every day i'm out or off from work i'm too exhausted to focus. If i'm not too exhausted, i'm too scared, somehow. My brain's on the fritz. This did not improve with medication- some less chemical block must be there. I don't know what it is but i want to carve it out. Why am i so scared of reading? My strongest guess is it lends to too much emotion, or that "it takes too much time." I know the time will pass anyway. It will pass whether i sleep, scroll, panic, or finally read. What is my problem here

2_4_24

Went through my stuff earlier this afternoon and set up about three suitcases and a trash bag of things to donate. I've still got three months till i leave. I keep sleeping earlier and earlier to make time fly faster... it doesn't feel very wise or good, though. I'm glad it's been relatively easy to decide what items to get rid of, but books are definitely gonna give me problems. Clothes may pose some issues, but not many. I know exactly which blankets and single pillow i'm bringing, so those are fine. Newspapers might be an issue. I have.... a lot... nothing crazy but a sizeable mound.

Once i get my Washington id i'm definitely going to shoot for different jobs. I'd love one without a uniform so i can finally wear my clothes, but even if it's got a uniform i've decided i'll pack a bag of at least a t-shirt to change into after each shift because i'll be spending a while on transit and walking and i'd like to not be seen in whatever messy blue-collar garb i'm in again.

1_30_24

A large part of me wishes i could stick to the south. A large part of me remembers the united states looks more like the south everywhere than in its cities. A large part of me remembers that i just need to stay offline... thinking about that article and the book it's from. Thinking that ... i need to figure out how to integrate more time off screens and time off fear. Most damaging is my sense of time is warped- everything is flying by and my locus of control doesn't extend to it. I'm weak and scared in the realm of attention and thought and devotion. I want to be devout

1_24_24

Honk mimimi....

1_11_24

Personals on a goth site for young adults and teens. interesting piece of modern history. so much....

1_6_24

Another night of turmoil. I feel so crass writing about it. i once talked to a theology phd student about this, but longer, more scared and apologetic, and she wrote something i'll never forget: "you are carrying so much, and worse, you know the exact weight of it all, and worse than that, you care how you look carrying it."

1_6_24

I think i'd really like a phalloplasty... if i get married i think it'd be in my 30s or 40s, and i think after that i'd really try to arrange one. I'm not interested in the erection implant but that could change in a decade

1_1_24

Who knows

12_18_23

Hmm. internet identities are.....................

12_14_23

Spent hours combing forums in the wayback machine... wound up on so many cool sites i don't even know where to start... i spent a while copying and pasting and translating the diaries of a Japanese uni student in 2007. she was in a relationship with another young woman but they struggled a lot to build a life together before deciding it probably wasn't gonna work, that there lives would always be parallel to each other and never intersect. i translated it and read what i found out loud to devon over facetime while she played league. took sonny for two maybe three walks tonight? three i think it is. she's restless but i'm not really playful... i found an anti-capitalist tintin comic, found a shit ton of anarchist sites, found a major strike in honor of indepdent radio which touched my soul. independent radio means a lot, a lot, a lot to me. so much, man...
Finding all those anarchist sites, forums, news outlets, the lot- it was so experimental. it was beautiful and ripe and raw and expressive and utterly communal. there were so, so, so many websitesm. most of them shut down after 2014. man. i can't think about that too much. it feels like a severe, brutal injustice. confined to a few social media sites and everyone's gotta be pure an fully identified and whatever. man.

12_9_23

12_4_23

December......... unnerving. Next month is January next month is 2024 and even though i've never felt attached to new years this one feels insanely important. January i begin my mad dash out of florida. Real, actual progress, not just waiting for appointments. January 17 hosts an appointment i can't miss. It'll set everything else up.
I have no intention of coming back for family holidays for at least two years. I can't wait for the weather and constant jacket wear. I can't wait for my pace in community college. I can't wait to join writing groups and roll my eyes and maybe stare awed 1/10 open mic nights. I'm gonna struggle a lot, i know. I prefer struggling there to here. Pick a struggle and pick a place. I need to find a local place to work at... i don't mind my current job but i'd rather not continue. I want to get back to my roots and work for a bookstore or sex shop or something.

11_29_23

I think i should kill any sense of professionalism i've tried to establish here..... really the only pages guilty of that are the formal photo slideshows. Gonna freakify them and by that i mean just not... let it be polished... who knows. I kind of get awfully overwhelmed looking at this site and how much it holds... it's a record of a very turbulent couple of years... i don't know

11_13_23

Tired or some other secret thing...

11_4_23

November.... loathe being too restless and anxious and neurotic to do anything. reading is a chore. it's my livelihood (philosophically i guess) and i can't do it.

10_17_23

I hate sharktank

10_12_23

Dunno what to do with myself. busy brain and rigid hands.

10_10_23

I love all of you and your entryways and means and histories

10_06_23

I went through my phone's notes app earlier this evening... man, what bullshit. one fall after another. shit was crazy. insane. i've been exploring web forums and while looking for ones on Springsteen i found an extreme alt-right website where they were all getting on his ass for being 'nothing special, so perfect for NJ' and looking faggy and like he was pissing on the american flag in his Born in the U.S.A. album cover. insane to me how those guys actually get Springsteen better than the average american does. they accurately quoted his lyrics and their meanings, even knew about how much he loved and kissed Clarence Clemons, too. i wanted to kill them. i got violent after reading a few of their post signatures and had to dip. i'll spare the other details i guess... i mean, you know what hatred exists in the world. you know what nazis and other fascist types are like. you might not be familiar with the american kind, but you can get the idea from those around you. each user covered 1-4 nazi-specific bases in their signatures. "if you're raised with an angry man in your house,
there will always be an angry man in your house,"
and naturally i want to gut them out with their own hunting knives. i'll never forgive the shop owner who sold me a red camera with pictures of his cock on the internal drive. i bought a knife from him too, dull, military, special forces no less. fancy. i'll carve it off.
but of course i'm pretty meek. that'd never happen. i'm better off with a hammer and a good dog

9_23_23

Picked up a book about Spinoza, Hunter S. Thompson's Songs of the Doomed, and the verse by the side of the road at Fleamasters. The last one's about the Burma-Shave roadsign campaigns that were honestly kind of killer. Business and marketing and shit sure but some of them really, really remind me of Jenny Holzer

8_26_23

Parents left their house to me and sonny all week. it's been nice without them. they're coming back in about two or three hours and i don't really want the reunion... just means im gonna be holed up in my room for ages all over again.
All day everyday i say i'm tired but i really think it's a deep dissatisfaction that causes immobility and a wreck in my nervous system that chooses to sleep over facing a reality that stimulates no emotion worth loving or wanting

8_17_23

I think what i ought to do is take time to read and digest. but after work, at home, i'm so exhausted and i can't focus on anything. i have so much energy and desire pent up in me to do this or that but i can't muster or use any of it. i wanna make this page, i wanna read this, i wanna do this, and i can't do anything but sit and stare, lay and sleep, or stare at the addictive rectangle i got a semi-transparent navy-blue case for that i love so, so much.

6_18_23

Been using a physical journal

6_7_23

Back in the southeast and trying to overcome fear & paralysis

6_4_23

Been having a lot of breakdowns but right now i'm in central texas again. saw a lot of cool striped rocks

3_23_23

Been feeling lost

2_19_23

Had a number of detailed dreams about being hunted, 2/3 times by something much larger than anybody, once by one being. lots of drama in the brain. soon i will be starting emdr, and honestly that can't be soon enough

2_7_23

Went to see Springsteen at Amway on the fifth, and it was amazing. he opened with No Surrender and i belted the whole thing. i'm never, ever gonna forget how he said "This is the most important part" into the mic before the screens lit up with images of Clarence Clemons. when he sang Because the Night, chris and i gawked at the lighting bouncing between lesbian and bi flag colors, and of course we belted the whole thing as well. the new sax player, Jake Clemons, fucking rocks. by the end of the night when everything was quieter and i could hear my own voice, i realized i had a pretty intense vocal fry. it didn't hurt like normal... usually, my vocal chords expand and cause me so much pain i have to go mute for at least a full day. but no, i just sounded like i was 3 1/2 months on t. pretty fucking funny

1_26_23

Hello... wrote more poems and i'm trying to keep this diary vague. barely keeping up with schoolwork or myself; i need to do laundry, schoolwork, get a job, exercise, and stop feeling like death itself

1_25_23

Clouds are rolling in and there's a falcon outside. i'm in a museum surrounded by art and i'm staring at the falcon outside.

1_21_23

Been getting worse... but one of my professors wants to talk to me about trees, and i'm writing poetry again.

1_14_23_

Finally got scott's weed out of my clothes. mom brought me over to her bi-yearly zoom call with her friends from high school. they all spoke over each other.

1_11_23_

Reading has been making me anxious for a long while now... i don't know why. i find something i'd love to absord and i get paralyzed. i'd like to say it'd be as easy as changing my intentions, like i successfully did with journaling, but i think i just need a therapist.

It's strange looking back on a relationship and not being able to deny shame as a possible factor for why they left the way they did. that's the bad part about never being given an explanation, let alone any remote closure: i've only got my imagination, and it keeps reminding me of the time we sat on the fort walls and they admitted they felt guilty for being with me, of the very, very few things they let slip about their adolescence, of how scared they were to look honest & present queer in florida. they're going somewhere they believe all these fears won't follow them. i hope it doesn't, but speaking from experience, i know it will. i'd like to help them, to trust them, but they made sure i can't. i wish i didn't have a choice to read into anything, and just had an answer. they made very sure they'll never know what they did, and especially sure i'll never know why they did it.
Just gotta sit with it.

1_10_23_

I've been going on walks around my parents' neighborhood, and it's really hard to look anybody in the eye. nothing happened here, i just don't feel at home. i feel so much more horrific, as a body and a mind, when i'm here. St. Aug isn't home, not really.. but it's a lot more a home than this place.

Very much thinking of scrapping the page of my poems from last year... they just kind of embarrass me, and need to be reworked... have needed to be reworked since last year, lol