Lilo the Doggy

No clue what that stadium was doing to make my camera produce so many different colors, but i thought this lady was hilarious

Might not 100% leave everything behind and might only take fall semester off. i have so much time to think since there is nothing i can really *do* right now, and so many more options are coming to light. i've said this before and the statement still stands: i really do only see angel numbers when i'm screwing up the most. maybe not when i'm screwing things up on my own, but when a major foundation (in this case, several) is being threatened or even destroyed. too many times do i yawn and feel tears prick behind my eyes, feel pressure build behind my skull.

T4T! that's it!

Did a tarot reading... i love my deck, man. she gets me

Thinking about next year.. next summer and fall and late spring. who knows what's gonna happen? thinking of routes not of escape, but living. if i can't afford to go back to college next fall, i need to be able to afford a greyhound ticket.
I know what i could do, but not [yet] where i could go. i can use my mattress pad as a cot, i can clean, pay a portion of rent, cook fried rice and bake bread. i have friends in cali, ny, colorado, chicago, and tally. and naples, sure, but as much as i love them none of us can stay there.
It is pretty bizarre to me how every couple of months it's urgent that i come up with another life plan. this entire year has been one change of plans after another.
i've learned a lot about how to move quickly, and i learned it all from mom. we've been runaways since i was eight, though she's been in the business since she was a teenage girl. dunno. lots to think about. i can start looking for friends with open space closer to summer, like in march, but im impatient and to get something established now. not gonna reach out about this yet, though, because it's all so unpredictable. i'll probably get a lay of the land by the end january.

Oh i am definitely at a threshold, and i am so impatient to get done with this break and go back to college. there's a lot i need to fix. next calendar year is extremely unpredictable. the cards i pulled before this break were no joke.
It's very likely the only class i passed last semester was the one where i wrote all those stories. i am already considering paths in the event next academic year falls through, and most involve writing something long to publish.

Been a bad time physically, but not philosophically. i feel like i'm waiting at a threshold, just a little stagnant, but ready to pass.

I am having severe withdrawals from my venlafexine

Made a zine, kelev. been feeling pretty down.

Went to class and my professor told me he needed to chat with me afterwards. i got real nervous, concerned about my bad attendance, but he passionately encouraged me to publish a short story i'd written for said class.

My desire to be a teacher is mounting. semi-unrelated: i had a dream while i napped. what stood out was that the world around everyone in the area began crumbling under our feet, but rather than intense chasms, the floor carved itself back layer by later in 2 or three foot wide streams to reveal different sets and designs of old tile. most of it was very greco-roman in style.

Hello there. i've been toying around w this site again, and happily so... i'm trying to make that photolog my main space to share photos, since sharing them on this notepad didn't totally get me either.

my "identity as reflection; reflection as identity" professor is a car seat headrest fan.

I plugged my discman into a speaker, and i've been playing Yo La Tengo's Painful album for about 45 minutes- i had to restart it when my discman died on track 4 the first time around. i took a shower. i feel clean and wonderful. i don't at all know what to do with myself right now, haven't for the past hour

Listening to: This Too Shall Pass by Danny Schmidt

There's a lot that bothers me. one thing is that people aren't aware your past lives, attitudes, behaviors, selves are departing. only you do, which means a lot of you- present, full, current you- is hidden from them. that's not the right word.. it's visible, but it's not detached from the old histories of you that have no more relevance. i think very often how my nervous system was not made for what we've inherited, spatially, socially. i don't like to feel doomed but what else will my disorder do? it's got hands and by god it demands to use them

CRAIGSLIST! (screencaps)

If you are new to me you may not know that craigslist's community forms
(particularly missed connections) mean the world to me. i framed a poem
after them. i've submitted posts myself. it's a wreck and it's full of
meaning. 8/3/22 / Successfully getting your post up past the flaggers is
an art.

On repeat's been Mistaken for Strangers by The National, Eternity and a Day: 2. By the Sea by Eleni Karaindrou, Joep Beving's Etude and his An Amalgamation Waltz 1839, Midnight Summer Dream by The Stranglers, and What Difference Does It Make? by The Smiths. Also The Dancer by Christopher Ferreia. Lots of piano going, which i've got two things to blame on.

been realizing the levels of my paranoia lately. It's crippling, i didn't think i'd be so rough with it. That photo's of me and my guitar, Tazo. I've got another, a black acoustic, named Wally. Both of them are named after animals from my childhood.. Tazo was a matron-like white dog from when i was a little thing in Texas, and Wally was a pitch-black lizard that hid in our Texas garage cos it was always infested with woodroaches and he couldn't blend in outside. He got his name from the position we always found him in, latched onto the left wall. I still don't know how much i'll share on this thing, but i know it won't be much.

I prefer dropping off the internet instead of constantly promising it i exist.

"What am I trying to avoid by withdrawing from others?"

"Looking back at the last twenty-four hours, how much time did I spend in my head?"

"What is the missing part I am trying to find?"

we'll see what becomes of this section. i think it could be good.

(i am in complete love with the cursor used here. the dog's name is Lilo. i know absolutely nothing else about her)